hildeguardog's Diaryland Diary


We Are All On Drugs

Okay: I told Angela I wasn't going to plan on what I was going to tell her. Well shit, I'm glad I've neen thinking hard(and especially hard since say.. July 3rd or so). And fuck it: the world revolves around people going against their words-- why should I break the chain at this particular time?
Okay, here's my deal, Scott:
I have to choose between Angela, and the unknown.. but the whole thing entails way too much.
First of all, dating Angela keeps me just as close with Mindy. Do I need-- or even want-- to be any closer to her than I am right now?
What I'm trying to say is that-- unless I'm terribly wrong-- the thing to do with ex-girl/boy-friends is to forget about them. How can I expect myself to grow if I'm at all aware of the possibility that my girlfriend has no reason not to leak whatever I tell her to my "ex(of whom I will now refer to as Madame X)"?
They're friends. It's cool.. but that kind of makes me nauseous. It's like they've teamed up to destroy me.. which may not be a bad thing if they're plague-sounding descriptions/opinions are correct.
Like, 'are you gonna do this same thing to the next girl?'(not verbatim)
Well, yes. All sarcasm aside-- how in hell do I know? Sure, I learn at my own rate, but by no means am I that fucking stupid.
So sometimes I (a)outline how I want a relationship to work. Then, I (b)find a girl. (a)+(b)=(c)('(c)' being my expected result).
Okay, all bullshit aside. I will try to explain this to Angela..
And as for Mindy.. I'm sure she's expecting/demanding some huge apology from me for being some asshole that used her. Well whatever. I guess the timing was perfect for me to get a call from Angela.. She was with a few of her friends, she said. She was calling from a phone with an oddly familiar number. Then, I heard it: that distinct, gut-wrenching laugh coming from someone you have absolutely no feelings for-- be good or bad.
Well that was, in a much wiser man's words, a "real kick in the nuts." What would you think if I started dating like.. Elisa, or Beata. Sure, you might say they'd never do that, and that may be true.. but what if? Wouldn't it first hit you like 'what the fuck?' It would almost be degrading to see close friends doing that. I have more to say but I'm afraid it will sound bitter when it's intentions are for sincerity.
She probably thinks I'm weird.
Funny to hear the same thing from both sides.
So I do have one way out of this situation, I think. Good friend sends letter saying that friendship was always a little more. Yeah I'll leave it at that as to not freak out the one person I don't know that reads this shit.
Or I could stay alone. I love this whole "self-exploration" theme I've kinda got going this summer. There's more I need to know.. and a girlfriend would find that thinking to be absurd. Maybe my idea of self-exploration doesn't always abide by the laws of such a great, honest and noble society.
Oh, and I have since lost my train of thought.. but as lame as this sounds, I want to thank myself for saving Dashboard Confessional.. now when I listen to his first cd I'm reminded of grade school.. and how my failure was more amphasized on my outside life whereas my grades were inflated. I remember first hearing that song while my brother was driving for my dad and we were in some small town somewhere in Arizona.
Man, I'm glad I stayed up all night. I wouldn't have had any clearer of a head from a night if sleeping.
I'll think more in a little while.

8:05 a.m. - Sunday, Aug. 21, 2005


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