helifino's Xanga Blog

helifino — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 22:24:09 -04:00

-The world is a mess today. Catholic people are being branded like
cattle, but on their forehead with ashes, Bush's decision to ban
freedom in the United States is all over the front cover of all our
favorite newspapers, and, of course, The Passion of the Christ came out
today. My brother is still being a nazi in his interpretations of how
much he should be allowed to use the computer. It's just not happening,
buddy, you're 11. When I was 11 I wasn't a fuckass... I gave in to what
my brother and sister wanted. So give in to me, or I will make you. I
am bigger than you, and I know where you hide your money. So I'm still
fretting about programming. I have no idea how this math situation will
work out when it's all said and done. John, without knowing it, is
giving me a leg up into getting into video production next year. M(r)s.
Clark recognized the last name and commented on how talented he is. And
tomorrow I'm going bowling. I apologize for these uninspired entries,
lately. Really, I do. I feel like I have to write, but nothing comes to
me when I finally get a chance.

I'm too awake to stay in bed

I'm too anxious to stay dead

]]>

helifino — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 22:24:17 -04:00

-isn't subscribed, I think. Those subscribers are missing out like never
before, which is why this guy stays away from subscriptions. That, and
I'm intimidated. Ok, so this may be my most pointless writing to
date, but I'll just let it all out so I can be fresh next time... so
I'm buying Dave's $200 guitar pedal for $50. I feel bad, though,
because I don't like ripping people off, ever since Hareef
Abeena(spelled phonetically because I'm not sure of the real
spelling) back in 1st grade... I also feel bad about having
anything against Danny. He's probably moving out of state over the
summer. He's like my only friend besides Micah. This summer has just
taken a turn for the worst. I guess it is my fault for only
hanging out with school people at school... Oh, and if you're into
artsy, thought-provoking, independent films, see Waking Life. It's real
good. Animation like crazy. Or however they do it... This weekend is my
movie weekend. Come one, come all, it's gonna be a lonely one. I have
so many movies I need to see, some for the second or third time, but
they're all bound to be worth it. I swear.]]>

helifino — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 22:24:26 -04:00

-I wish I could live in Western New York, Summer of 1999. We had made
stadium seating out of two couches to accomodate all the people that
made it a habit to just show up at the Mead's house whenever they
deemed it necessary. Jimmy* was a regular. The particular memory that
sticks in my mind is when Matt, Kiel, Joe, John and I were on our way
somewhere, all in one car, with Enema in the State filling
every other little crevice in the car. We were probably going to
Blockbuster, which means taking a highway or a long road or something,
so the moment had time to develope. We had stopped at Bob's to get some
gas, then we were on our way. Matt hit play, and 'Dumpweed'
came on. I already owned a copy of Dude Ranch, but didn't know
that they had put out another since. I couldn't put my finger on the
voices at first, but then it clicked, as did everything else. We were
driving so fasr, because Matt knew those roads so well, and had seen a
cop, or something along those lines, on it maybe once.

*Jimmy was big on Less Than Jake, had a Suicide Machines jacket, and
saw John at the Jimmy Eat World show at the Metro. Jimmy had driven
from Ohio to see it.

I know that those words mean absolutely nothing to anybody but maybe
those involved, but I would die to have one more night where I
could look back, the way I am right now, and not have a clue as to
where to start organizing my thoughts. Last summer showed signs of
being just as good, but it was like an antenna with bad reception
because LJ was there, and he was hyper, and Uncle Billy wasn't there,
and now I have to write songs about and for him for guitar class
because he, in the four years he lay dying, affected my life more than
anybody I have ever met. I wish there were a heaven so I could
apologize and make it up to him and get this off my chest. And right
now all I want is someone to sit with me, maybe on the roof above my
kitchen, on a night when it isn't too cold, so we can contemplate
religion, and complain about the light polution that's keeping us from
seeing the stars. I guess I just want Friday Night and Summer and
Comfort to have meaning again.

]]>

helifino — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 22:24:32 -04:00

-not sorry for wasting Danny's time, because he has no regrets, I'm
sure. I realized he was an asshole. It was like running into a concrete
wall, and it hurt. I mean, I knew he was a pushover, which should have
explained the rest to me, but I didn't catch on right away. I think
he's just too influenced be everybody he talks to. Not everyone is
right, pal, or right would contradict itself way too often. But thanks
Danny, what you said to me has kept me from talking to Rob for the
first time in months, and everyone else that would've been there. I
mean sure, I might've backed out anyways, as planned, but now I have no
one to share my presence with. Micah might be able to do something
around 10, or so I'm assuming, but the way I'm tiring, I'll be asleep
by 9:30. Jesus fucking Christ. I feel like dying for the first time in
weeks.]]>

helifino — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 22:24:44 -04:00

-I want to go to the party tonight, but not alone. I don't want to
drink tonight, or anything pertaining to that. I've been preferring
clear-headedness lately. It's good stuff. I always back out of these
things, though, and end up spending time at Micah's watching him and
Zach play video games. Boring. I don't necessarily want to hang out
with David, tonight, because he'll be at Micah's. I can't stand that
cocky like dipshit. Clothes need to be put on, then decisions will be
made. And the new song is the up. Give it a chance.

]]>

helifino — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 22:24:54 -04:00

-Yesterday(Thursday) - I forget my folder with all of my notes for my
English presentation that needed to be typed out by Friday(today).

This morning - The Rest of the Day - As I realized the night before,
all of my clean clothes were just washed, and still in the basement
waiting for me to pick them up and take them upstairs. I didn't think
much of it at the time, so I left it until today. I get out of the
shower, go upstairs, and no clean clothes are waiting for me. So,
bathrobe on, I traipsed down to the basement, got the laundry, and
headed on my way back to the room. I get dressed, rush breakfast, and
go to brush my teeth. Mouthwash washing my mouth, and Micah calls. My
Dad, in his asshole-like mood this morning, tells me to answer the
phone. I just ignore him, and let it go. Maybe 5 minutes later, the
doorbell rings, and it's Micah. By this time I'm ready, but my Dad
insists on giving us a ride because of how incredibly late we are.
There have been later days, but this, at least, gave me time to show
Micah the updates I made to his Xanga. So, after an argument with my
Dad over whether or not I should wear a coat to school, a fight in
which he came out victorious from, we got in the cold car, with some
conservative talk-radio show filling the airwaves. A little bit earlier
my Dad had jokingly said that he would've strangled me had not other
people been around. I didn't find that one particularly funny. So I cut
2nd(Geometry, with Ms. Dotson, who is in dire need of a vasectomy to
help her grow out of the "I'm a total bitch" stage of life we all go
through. So I worked on my part of the English presentation for about
20 minutes before being kicked out by a class. "Ok, Scott, it's cool",
I'll just cut 5th because Mrs. Dandurand makes it known that she
doesn't come in on Fridays. So, on to gym. Isaac and Rowena and Mareya
and I were 2-2-2 over the "season" up until today, when we lost to
Joann and Aaron's team. Joann can shoot like crazy and I envy Aaron's
quickness and everything else he used to make Isaac and I look like
idiots. So we're 2-3-2 now... Division flew by, and before I knew it, I
was in Ms. Murphy's room, uncomfortable as ever. I was first to go,
which is probably best, but still, nerve-racking. It would've been
worse had I really known anyone in that class more than a few words
here and there. And luckily I sit with all the supportive people. So
anyways, I go up to the chair, taking my time, and hesitating to start
as best I could. It wouldn't get me out of the situation, I
finally realized, so I started. My introduction dragged on much longer
than it should've because it took me a while to gather the
courage to spit out the first line. I mumbled my way through the song,
and got off. I felt better once I got off, but not satisfied because I
feel that I let down Ms. Murphy and myself by not being prepared, and
by not just fucking singing my song. A girl wrote a song with
references to a flower, so I'm changing my background music because of
that. I insist on some of you gathering an ear-full. But really, I
haven't heard one bad song, and that's just awesome. So for 5th, I went
to the tech lab, saw Gabe, stole his computer, and worked for 40
minutes until I finished. Then I went to class, and the guy wouldn't
sign me in. He asked why I hadn't asked his permission first, and I
told him that I didn't want to risk him saying no. He didn't
understand, but I understood his reasoning. I will receive my first
ever detention on Monday. So the presentation in English went, and my
part was the shortest because I couldn't remember what was part of the
No Child Left Behind Act and the Nation at Risk report put out by
Reagan. Lunch was the usual. Not much talking, awkward situations on my
part. Nothing out of the ordinary. The test in 8th(World Studies) was
multiple choice and an essay, and it was easy. 100, maybe. Micah and I
hung out after school, and from the until now, everything has been
pretty ok. I coached Henry's basketball team to a 22-12 loss, but it
was fun. I should be a coach some time. Very embaressing day in school,
to say the least. I don't know what I'd say if I were to say it at its
most. Fuck school, please.

Don't make me prove to you that there is no Heaven... I've been enjoying myself lately.

]]>

helifino — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 22:25:08 -04:00

-I've been thinking about honesty a lot lately. Emotional honesty, I
mean. I think that when you're sorry for doing or saying something,
you're ashamed that you let your "true colors" show. I mean, whenever I
slip up and really am sorry for doing something that affected someone
negatively it's because that person is new to seeing my mistakes. With
Micah, for example, I don't apologize for offending him, or something
along those lines, nearly as much as I would to someone I didn't know
very well. But look at me go, I just apologized to Zach for complaining
about this little rut I've been in all week. I told him that I know
when Micah complains I feel like shooting him because of how stupid his
complaints are, and he's just trying to get attention or trying to get
me to pity him...

(WASHINGTON - When someone says, "I
feel your pain," the person really may. A groundbreaking study shows
that some of the same brain regions involved in feeling physical pain
become activated when someone empathizes with another's pain.

And when it's time to feel better,
thinking that a drug helps can make it so, according to a different
brain-scanning study that finally caught the power of placebo in
action.

The studies, reported in Friday's edition of the journal
Science, provide important new evidence of the power of the mind, said
Dr. Jon Levine, a pain specialist at the University of California, San
Francisco, who reviewed the research.

"Very likely the same part of the brain which is affected by
empathy for pain, and therefore suffering, is the area that also our
mind or our expectation has to deal with if we're going to get control
of that pain," Levine said.

In the empathy study, British researchers recruited 16 couples.
One at a time, the women were put into brain scanners called MRI
machines; the men sat nearby. The women could see only their loved
one's hand and a computer screen. The women and men got brief electric
shocks to the hand. The computer screen flashed who would get the next
shock and whether it would be mild or very sharp.

When the women got shocked, the MRI showed how their brain's
entire pain network activated, researchers reported. They registered
feeling the jolt and how much it stung, from sensory brain regions, as
well as how much it made them suffer — the "affective" or emotional
regions.

But when the men got shocked, part of the women's pain network
sprang into action, too — not sensory regions but emotional ones. They
knew when the men were being shocked only by watching the computer
screen.

The lead researcher, Tania Singer of University College of
London, likened it to vivid feeling when imminent pain is imagined and
the heart speeds up before the actual sensation arrives.

Men were not studied for their reaction to how women responded to a shock.

Singer did not tell the couples that she was studying empathy so
as not to rig the results. But she later asked the women to describe
how they felt when their partner was zapped.

"They indicated it was as unpleasant" when the man got zapped as
when they did, Singer said. "What they say matched what I saw in the
brain activity."

She also rated their degree of empathy, using questions such as
how easily they cry at movies. The more empathetic their nature, the
more emotional brain activity there was.

It was not "emotional contagion," like how one person's yawn can
set a whole room to yawning, because the women could see only their
partner's hand, Singer said. Instead, the women were using the same
brain areas that anticipate one's own pain.

In the second study, volunteers put inside MRI machines had
either electric shocks or heat applied to the arm. The pain activated
all the expected neural pathways, researchers from the University of
Michigan and Princeton University reported.

Then, researchers smeared on a cream they said would block the pain. In fact, it was a regular skin lotion.

When the volunteers were zapped again, they reported
significantly less pain — and pain circuits in the brain showed they
really felt better. Those were the same brain regions that respond to
painkilling medication.

Then researchers spread on cream again, this time telling the volunteers it was a placebo — and they hurt all over again.

Doctors long known have known the placebo effect is real. It is
one reason that they talk up the benefits of a drug as they write the
prescription. But the effect has been assumed to be psychological,
Levine said.

The study provides "a novel and important insight into the
fact that placebo is in fact due to a physiological attenuation of the
pain signal," he said.

As for empathy, Singer now is studying whether people can sense a stranger's suffering as much as a loved one's.

Is empathy a learned trait or a genetic one? Her study suggests
it is a completely automatic response that varies merely in its degree,
meaning it probably is hard-wired into our brains through evolution.

After all, Singer said, empathy serves two important survival
functions: bonding between people, especially mother and child, and the
ability to predict others' actions, such as whether someone in pain is
a threat.). It's probably only necessary to read the first two or three
paragraphs to completely understand what it's about, but I put the
rest in there anyways. It somewhat pertains to my normal Micah
complaints, and how maybe listening to people isn't a good thing. Well,
I call bullshit. It's not unhealthy to listen to other people unless
you're a greedy, selfish whore. Or maybe I misread it.

darker secrets come into play ... I know I'll be just in time to see you running away

]]>

helifino — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 22:25:24 -04:00

-

1. When do you think you will die?

Sometimes I can see myself living to be old enough
to be a grandfather, but sometimes I can't see myself out of my
thirties, so it really depends.

2. How, specifically, do you think you will die?

"Naturally". Or maybe I'm just hoping that.

3. If no pain were involved, what would be the best dramatic death for you?

No physical pain? Maybe jumping from a plane before it explodes. Something sort of dramatic.

4. What 5 songs would you like played at your funeral (besides the usual funeral music)?

Nothing in particular, except maybe Weezers' 'Only in Dreams' and They Might Be Giants' 'Doctor Worm, just because.

5. If only one person could show up at your funeral, who would it be?

My brother John, maybe.

6. Okay, now who else would be there?

Only people that really knew me. No one needs to
"pay their last respects" for someone they once said 'hey' to in the
hall at school.

7. Who would you specifically NOT invite (you know, if you were planning your own funeral)?

It's their fault if they sctually want to come.

8. Buried, creamated or other?

Creamated

9. Where would you like to be buried, your ashes strewn or other?

The roof over my kitchen, but whoever makes the
toss should maybe stand between those doors, and maybe while it's
snowing so the ashes dissappear almost immediately... that'd be
interesting.

10. Who or what would you give your life to defend?

Anybody that means something to me.

11. As of now, who would your possessions go to?

Friends and family would get priority in choosing
whatever it is they want to get their hands on, but I wouldn't really
want anything thrown out, so maybe some stuff could be donated, if it's
worth anything.

12. What are your views on suicide?

I guess I understand that people who kill
themselves can't handle whatever emotional problems they're facing, as
long as they don't take anybody with them.

13. Do you believe in the afterlife, heaven, hell, reincarnation, etc.?

Not right now. I think people are selfish, though,
because we have fairly complicated minds, i think, so we can think
this stuff up, and then believe in it. We are no better than any other
animal or plant, we just happen to be more advanced. So do they
have Gods and Heavens, also?

14. What do you think would be the last thought that ran through your head?

I know I'm forgetting something.

15. If you had one week to live, what would you do, and where would you go to die?

I would talk to everybody I am still in, or have
lost, contact with over time. I wouldn't tell anybody about the dying
part, though. I don't know where I would go to die.

16. If death is a natural part of life and something totally inevitable, why are we so afraid of it?

We think we're special and that there is an
afterlife for us. But we're not completely convinced that there is, so
we're afraid of what we don't know. Like Wesley Snipes' sexuality.

17. If you had your way, how would you spend the time after death?

Dead.

18. Are you okay? Sorry to be so morbid.

No, but it's ok. ]]>

helifino — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 22:25:32 -04:00

When you snap, when you go insane, that's probably pretty wild. But
I think the scariest part is going to sleep that night and then waking
up knowing you are still crazy.

]]>

helifino — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 22:25:39 -04:00

-If you're religious, then please, tell me if I'm wrong: Most people
with beliefs somewhere near Christianity go to Church just about every
Sunday. I get that part, the worshipping part and the prayers and
everything. What I don't understand is how there can be happy songs
with people singing and smiling and just cheery all around. I'm mean
come on. If I knew that I was being judged, I would be a little bit
nervous.

On a lighter note, I am unofficially fucked. By tomorrow, I need to
have written a song, lyrics, music, everything, and be ready to perform
atleast part of it. I know I will be too afraid to sing it to myself in
my room, so I'm scared to death to know that people I don't know will
hear my voice for the first time when I first hear it. I have some
decent music down, but they're power chords, and I don't know the names
of those, besides the two that Alvin told me today.

I have written each of these paragraphs at different times this
evening, and my emotions have made U-turns by the time I've gotten back
to the computer. These are the weird kinds of U-turns, though, because
I have landed, psychologically, in completely different places each
time. Throughout the day I have been tired, sick, inspired, let down,
confused, irritated, and most other emotions that aren't normally let
loose every day. Fuck it, I need to go hit something.

]]>

helifino — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 22:25:47 -04:00

-I don't mean to be an obnoxious metaphoric emo-bitch, but up until
yesterday, I saw through my having to wear glasses. I was staring at
the mirror yesterday, because I'm a weirdo, and all of a sudden it was
like something was in the way. But when I take them off, I can't see
the mirror clearly at all. I don't know how I managed to trick myself
into not noticing them for some 13 odd years.

So I got invited to a party this Saturday. Gabe told me about it,
and I'm gonna make sure to be there. Rob(thewell), Kristen, Annelise,
Monica, and everyone else that matters will be there. Now for
directions to Pilsen...

]]>

helifino — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 22:25:53 -04:00

-"We were all holiday babies. Our parents seemed to be horniest
on when there was a break from work. I was the Valentine's Day
kid, the lucky one. My sister was the Christmas
child. Hank was the Thanksgiving baby, and William,
ironically, was the Labor Day feat of labor. As for Scott, well,
we're not French, but a couple of us celebrated Bastille Day in 1987."

That, up there, is my brothers' profile on AIM. I know it doesnt
take long to subtract 9 months from a birth date, but still, he must be
pretty bored down there in Louisiana, especially when i read him
reminding himself almost daily of how he regrets joining the Air Force.
I know he is lonely.

]]>

helifino — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 22:26:06 -04:00

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME
01 - control
02 - height
03 - spiders

THREE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND
01 - people
02 - school
03 - conservative reasoning

THREE THINGS I'D LIKE TO LEARN
01 - self-control
02 - how to live comfortably without moving
03 - perseverance.

THREE THINGS I AM WEARING RIGHT NOW
01 - "jumper"(my jacket)
02 - jimmy tee
03 - adidas socks

THREE THINGS ON MY DESK
01 - computer
02 - vitamins
03 - water

THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
01 - save someones life
02 - not be a liability to my family
03 - raise a kid or two

THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY
01 - elitist
02 - open ears/arms
03 - confining

THREE BAD THINGS ABOUT MY PERSONALITY
01 - elitist
02 - stubborn
03 - politician

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE
01 - preserving the past
02 - big ass family
03 - thanksgiving

THREE THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
01 - my cavles
02 - my height
03 - my eyes

THREE THINGS I DON'T LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
01 - my height
02 - my feet
03 - my hands

THREE THINGS MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU
01 - probably something i
02 - don't want them
03 - to know

THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST
01 - what a dork
02 - fucker
03 - i will stab you

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO
01 - thailand
02 - alaska
03 - africa or england

THREE NAMES THAT YOU GO BY
01 - scott
02 - schott
03 - elmo

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE OR HAD
01 - caucaznemoboy
02 - jonniebananaseed
03 - lets burn pants

]]>

helifino — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 22:26:13 -04:00

-Year 1: Me, Aaron, and Danny, having dinner at Clarke's, on
Valentine's, despite going to the OIL Compilation show. I hate how I
have let Hallmark get to me, but last year will never repeat
itself. I swear to hell. But honesly, Year 2 isn't forecasting anything
of the good sort. I need help in life. It's not even emotional help. I
could use a 'Help' button on my browser to guide me through everything,
and take it one step at a time so I don't get a chance to leave myself
behind. And another thing: just where did I go wrong? My whole persona
seemed to change as I entered high school. I didn't necessarily change
to fit in, because I don't think this was a voluntary change. It wasn't
on purpose, anyways. I was the King of worthwhile conversations
throughout 7th and 8th grade. Sarah and Vi and I were a team. Now I
couldn't hold down a decent conversation to save my life. Once my
stupid 'time to make a "clever" remark'-side kicks in I embaress myself
immediately. I need to control what comes out of my mouth. And there I
go with another 'I need to control...' line in my diary. Jesus
Christmas, why can't I just shut the fuxk up?]]>

helifino — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 22:26:20 -04:00

-I'm just kidding, I'm kidding... but will you? And I've got a spare
ticket to tuesdays Bulls game, which will go to Waste(Danny's new
nickname) if none of you kids yell at me for even considering somebody
else.]]>

helifino — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 22:26:28 -04:00

-So I was in the shower this morning thinking about the erin milligan
band song 'left behind', and I thought about how I seem to get left
behind in most of the things I do. I get left behind in pretty much
everything that has to do with learning at the same pace as most other
people. I ran these thoughts through and through, up and down, left and
right, back and forth, and finally, like being hit by a brick wall, I
decided that it was me that had been leaving myself behind all these
times. My laziness, me letting my focuz go elsewhere, me, me, me. This
is not greed, though, even with all the times I've mentioned myself. I
don't think this is flirting with self-pity too much, either. This is
probably me realizing yet another problem that I have with myself(like
all the self-references?). I should stop sharing these realizations
with people so I don't develope a reputation for being all talk because
of how I never really fix any of these problems.

I am listening to the Postal Service in hopes of starting a dance party. I am the only person to show up.

]]>

helifino — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 22:26:35 -04:00

-"More like the movie where the guy meets a smart girl who wears a
lot of sweaters and drinks cocoa. They talk about books and issues and
kiss in the rain. I think something like that would be very good for
him, especially if the girl were unconventionally beautiful. They are
the best kind of girls, I think." -The Perks of Being a Wallflower

]]>

helifino — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 22:26:44 -04:00

-I feel bad today. Sad, but mostly bad. I woke up and noticed the
Christmas present Henry gave me, unwrapped but unopened, on my table in
my room. He's only 8, and those Jewel Cases were what, $10? That
completely blows my mind, especially thinking about it now. And believe
me, my parents wouldn't just give him money to be my and everyone else
in the family presents. I can't believe how ungrateful I am of so much.
Damnit.

My Grandparents, out of their good nature, have also made me feel
bad today. They gave me $50 for Christmas, as usual, and I still
haven't written a 'thank you' note telling them how much I really did
appreciate it. So today, I found an envelope in the mail with my name
on it, and theirs in the return-address corner. They send me little
newspaper clippings and other things they think I might find
interesting, so I was just expecting something like this. No, it was a
Valentine's Day card with $20 inside of it. Ridiculous how much these
people care about me. And now I have no reason to think that they
neglect to think of me at the most unthinkable times. They're getting
old, so I don't want to pass up what could be my last chance to show I
care about them. I don't need to be like Kiel...(Kiel told his father
he loved him, for the first time, within the hour before his dad was
gone)...

]]>

helifino — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 22:26:51 -04:00

-a. john comes back home tonight.

b. i made a vow to myself that i'd be up when he arrives.

c. i need him.

d. i woke up late again today.

e. i can't seem to drag my ass out of bed on these non-school days.

f. i don't know how i do it every other day.

g. i did manage to have a weird dream about going to see senses
fail, whom i despise, and having some guy tell me that he wanted my
shirt, which was the Fredonia cross country shirt... the long-sleeved
faded one. I told him "no, you were never on that team" but he recapped
his whole life before my eyes anyways. he remembered his life like he
were a girl, and i didn't find that odd during the dream. Also, his
memories were from like the 1800's, which was pretty crazy. Then I was
at Osco, which, in this dream, was right next door to the Metro. Osco
caught fire, so we decided to go to the show. I was leaning off the
edge of the Metro, and the flames were coming closer every time i
looked back. i told Micah I'd meet him at Osco. Then I did, and that's
all I remember.

h. and somewhere i heard that dreams only occur for about 5 minutes at a time. how does so much get done?

i. after my haircut, i went to Tomato Head and met my brothers.

j. i had a piece of pizza before Micah and Christina and Maggs came.

k. then we got our tickets from Mrs. Swenson, and we went to the game.

l. the demons beat Marquette, 61-59, on a near last-second shot.

m.as for now, i will clean my room and read my books. retal.

]]>

helifino — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 22:26:59 -04:00

-I dreamt a lot last night, and I didn't wake up in time for neither
Danny nor Micah. I dreamt that Zach and I were in NFL Europe, but
without tackling. Karen and Kelsey held my coat while I went in to
play, and Zach was the Quarterback. Then, after I dropped a few of
Zachs passes, because the ball was dusty, Zach threw the ball over the
fence... the fence in my neighborhood, by the basketball hoop, and it
hit a car passing by, but didn't interrupt the cars driving. I had some
others that I only remember bits and pieces from, but the other I
remember more clearly isn't sitting very comfortably with me was about
my uncle who died some two years ago this June and my Grandmother, Nan
nan, who isn't doing too well herself right now. Uncle Billy was alive,
and so was my Grandmother, but not for long. I was told that by the
time I got to them, they'd be gone. I guess this reminded me of how
much control I don't have. I know I still have a lot of regrets that
tag along with memories of my uncle, so that alone didn't help
anything. As for my Grandmother, she's still alive, but not too
well. Sickness wise, she's clean as a bean. But her body seems to be
crumbling. She's fallen a few times over the past year, and hurt
herself, usually her ankle, each time. I feel about about that... I've
been meaning to write her a letter so she knows that I care and don't
just pay attention to her for thr Christmas presents.

]]>

helifino — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 22:27:10 -04:00

-a. do you remember what bruce willis told the kid to do in the Sixth
Sense? the thing where you just write whatever comes to mind on a piece
of paper, and eventually you'll start writing beyond your controlled
thoughts? I swear I will try that, maybe this weekend.

b. i saw Barbershop 2: Back in Business tonight, with micah.

c. we saw aaron and danny and neil on the way there.

d. this after danny promised he wouldn't be anywhere near aaron.

e. soft spot? or liar?

f. danny and micah and neil and aaron and zach anger me oh so often.

g. lately, anyways.

h. i miss the old days, when i wasnt ashamed of sites like this: http://www.pahardcore.com/bands/bands.cfm?id=5623.

i. speaking of sites, my "shows" site hasn't been updated in a fairly long forever(http://hildeguardog.diaryland.com/showses.html.

j. i dissappoint myself.

k. so do others, and i to them.

l. i am now watching Bringing Out the Dead.

m. ya know, nicholas cage?

n. it's depressing, and it makes my brother want to be a paramedic.

o. kristen called my brother a slut.

p. maybe he is. or maybe he's a "player". i really don't care because i do care about him.

q. -why can't i be a musician or a writer or a comedian or something cool.

r. -because you aren't dedicated, you aren't dedicated, you aren't funny, and you aren't dedicated enough

s is for scott.

t. Don't wake me, I plan on sleeping in...

u. much needed sleep should be obtained tonight, if only i can get
myself under my sheets and blankets and leaning on my pillow.

v. but danny and micah will wake me up early, tomorrow.

w. (danny for "band" practice, and micah for the ex-lax)

x. in guitar class, we were supposed to bring in a song that we
think has good structure, and i guess well written, or maybe that got
to us a little bit deeper down than any typical song you'd hear.

y. i brought the weakerthans and the stereo. i've kinda grown a big
emotional callous to left and leaving, and the stereo is more fun that
deeply moving.

z. i am no longer owned by a sole band so much that i would worhip their every movement just for unknowingly knowing me.

]]>