hildeguardog's Diaryland Diary


Still too young to have a girlfriend.

So I'm not entirely naive. I know breaking up isn't generally fun unless you didn't like her in the first place, or I guess if she was way into cocaine and decided that your prized possessions could support the habit for another week. Neither of which is the case. I did not, on the other hand, anticipate a literal loss of sleep more than a month after. Last night, for example, was awful. At some point while I was trying to sleep I became convinced that she was hanging out with a particular old friend who's notorious for hanging out with and, ultimately, sleeping with friends' ex-girlfriends. Having this "fact" engraved in my mind not only prohibited me from sleep, but also didn't make the idea of getting out of bed and trying to function very appealing. And all this stems from a) the lingering thought that these two people could be hanging out and b) my best friend said, as a passing remembrance, that he happened to see her.
I am not a jealous person... I don't think. I don't doubt, though, that... well, I don't doubt that what I described can be classified as jealousy. And maybe paranoia. I also don't doubt that the situation I have made up in my brain is causing me physical exhaustion(although the poor diet and excessive drinking don't help, either).
And then tonight, little Hank brings up a season of the Simpsons that I got him for Christmas, and how he has hers and she his. And that he'd like his back instead of keeping hers. Fuck.
Normally I'd smoke a ton of pot, reading some very encompassing books, and get past any lingering feelings with ease. Somehow even smoking weed reminds me of her, even though we did that in each others presence maybe... twice?
I never had my eyes on any other girl since I've known her. The one girl I did meet was a big mistake. It was on the night we first broke up. I knew it was a mistake at the time, but when I'm doing something wrong I like to defend it to the end(whether it's avoiding taxes I don't believe in or dropping out of school).
Cons: we weren't even compatible. And her voice changed in a very unbecoming way when we were with other people(think: valley girl). And that made my people think she was less than she is. That was annoying. And she watched a lot of television. I don't. She's very much into fashion and looking cute... I can go a few days before I think it's time for another shower. I love listening to music, whether or not I've heard it countless times before. She doesn't care nearly as much.
Pros: When it was good it was great. And she cared about me when I didn't even care about me.
Getting this out doesn't seem to be getting it out. And I won't call her. And she won't call me. But I really should find a way to get that DVD back for Hank.

10:21 p.m. - Thursday, Jul. 30, 2009


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