hildeguardog's Diaryland Diary


What a great day to die... what a sad way to cry

I feel so imspired tonight, and compelled to right my side of the story. My story isn't much to anybody but myself. I realize that in writing this, it will be viewed by maybe a few people, then maybe once or twice more when I come across it while I'm arranging the entries in some time long from now.

Enough with that. A while ago, Grace asked me who I was. She then told me to think about it. That's been near the front of my mind forever, ever since she said it. I honestly have no idea who I am, and it scares me to death sometimes. I cannot stand having no control of certain things, and this is sickening. I absolutely despise not being able to control other peoples emotions so I can keep them nice and clean, but FUCKFUCKFUCK! People who say they know me make me nautious right now. I am so jealous of them. I don't even know how my voice sounds. I don't have a clue. I don't know how ridiculous I look when I walk into Geometry late for the fifth day in a row. This is what I know: I am an elitist asshole, naturally quick to judge people before I give them a chance. But seeing how inconsistent I am, I also change my opinions of people and things just as fast. Maybe faster, almost. I know that I am jealous of people who are happy when I am not. I just cannot help it. I know that I am trying to hardest not to be my father when I grow up. The more I resist, the more I subconsciously give in. But to me, I am more mature than lots of people my age. I am past hating my parents. I know, although I always have, but now I'm more sure of it, that the music I listen to, with some exceptions, is superior than many peoples. But I also know that it's good to me, and that I am narrow-minded like that way too often.

I really wish I could organize my thoughts in a better way, because they all get blurred together in a heap of confusion. This entry is a heap of confusion. I refuse to fix it though. I only change spelling and grammatical errors. Those bother me the most.

8:23 p.m. - Thursday, Jan. 08, 2004


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