hildeguardog's Diaryland Diary

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d�j� vu

Hey. Holy Crap-- I am back.
I have been so fucked up lately. Thank God , though, because I am so fucking glad that this has nothing to do with a girl.
So lately I've been having trouble..
d�j� vu [is] just a momentary infinitesimal lag in the operation of two coactive sensory nerve centers that commonly [function] simultaneously
I've been getting the strangest cases of d�j� vu, presque vu and jamais vu. Several of them have been leading back to seemingly irrelevant bits of conversation long since had. Some lead back to dreams that I haven't dreamt for quite a long time. Some don't even lead back.
I was talking to Lauren like an hour ago.. I told her how I was sitting in the backseat of Kevin's car-- I was listening to the Lawrence Arms out of the corner of my ear but I was focused on my eyes, which were staring out the window. Track 10 came on.. it's called The Revisionist. Chris McCaughan, late in the song, sings a line that goes something like this: you've been searching for yourself in other people's eyes. I heard that line and then I felt funny. It took several minutes of hard thought, but I finally pinned it down. I was remembering something Lauren said to me not long after we hung out the first time. She was thanking me for paying for her movie ticket.. I remember her telling me how she could see it in my eyes('it' being my intent), which is why she didn't interfere at all.. (what I mean by 'interfere' is the way most people don't accept something for free from a friend the first time it is offered). I don't know why, but what she said has stuck with me for over two years now.
...Several years ago I dreamt that I was on the road with my brother, John. For some reason it was just the two of us.. but neither had a drivers' license. It was up to me to drive, for some reason.. maybe John was tired, I don't remember...
My dad was letting my drive in Streator yesterday. I was driving a decent speed and we were about to pass some trees.. when that damn feeling hit me again. I could feel it in my stomach and in my chest and in my arms-- it was almost overwhelming, but it wasn't intense.
Daany picked me up earlier this morning(about 1 or so) and in the car was Aaron and Neil. We drove down some street off the Lincoln/Sedgwick intersection leading downtown. Somewhere near the Dunkin' Donuts on North Danny made a weird turn into a dead end street. He took his time turning around, and then we sat there in the end of the street for a few seconds.. that's when the damn feeling hit me again.
In the same conversation with Lauren I compared these examples to my Grandfather, who had Alzheimer's Disease. He didn't recognize my Grandmother as his wife.. but immediately recognized my mom, unknowinlgy mistaking her for his wife. I remember hearing that he mistook his wife for his mom on a different occassion. He also had perfect recollection of memories dating back all the way to high school and college.. but it got distorted from there.
I'm not saying that I have Alzheimer's at all, or any other disease-- I'm just very uncomfortable.

4:05 a.m. - Wednesday, Jun. 22, 2005

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