hildeguardog's Diaryland Diary


déjà vu

Hey. Holy Crap-- I am back.
I have been so fucked up lately. Thank God , though, because I am so fucking glad that this has nothing to do with a girl.
So lately I've been having trouble..
déjà vu [is] just a momentary infinitesimal lag in the operation of two coactive sensory nerve centers that commonly [function] simultaneously
I've been getting the strangest cases of déjà vu, presque vu and jamais vu. Several of them have been leading back to seemingly irrelevant bits of conversation long since had. Some lead back to dreams that I haven't dreamt for quite a long time. Some don't even lead back.
I was talking to Lauren like an hour ago.. I told her how I was sitting in the backseat of Kevin's car-- I was listening to the Lawrence Arms out of the corner of my ear but I was focused on my eyes, which were staring out the window. Track 10 came on.. it's called The Revisionist. Chris McCaughan, late in the song, sings a line that goes something like this: you've been searching for yourself in other people's eyes. I heard that line and then I felt funny. It took several minutes of hard thought, but I finally pinned it down. I was remembering something Lauren said to me not long after we hung out the first time. She was thanking me for paying for her movie ticket.. I remember her telling me how she could see it in my eyes('it' being my intent), which is why she didn't interfere at all.. (what I mean by 'interfere' is the way most people don't accept something for free from a friend the first time it is offered). I don't know why, but what she said has stuck with me for over two years now.
...Several years ago I dreamt that I was on the road with my brother, John. For some reason it was just the two of us.. but neither had a drivers' license. It was up to me to drive, for some reason.. maybe John was tired, I don't remember...
My dad was letting my drive in Streator yesterday. I was driving a decent speed and we were about to pass some trees.. when that damn feeling hit me again. I could feel it in my stomach and in my chest and in my arms-- it was almost overwhelming, but it wasn't intense.
Daany picked me up earlier this morning(about 1 or so) and in the car was Aaron and Neil. We drove down some street off the Lincoln/Sedgwick intersection leading downtown. Somewhere near the Dunkin' Donuts on North Danny made a weird turn into a dead end street. He took his time turning around, and then we sat there in the end of the street for a few seconds.. that's when the damn feeling hit me again.
In the same conversation with Lauren I compared these examples to my Grandfather, who had Alzheimer's Disease. He didn't recognize my Grandmother as his wife.. but immediately recognized my mom, unknowinlgy mistaking her for his wife. I remember hearing that he mistook his wife for his mom on a different occassion. He also had perfect recollection of memories dating back all the way to high school and college.. but it got distorted from there.
I'm not saying that I have Alzheimer's at all, or any other disease-- I'm just very uncomfortable.

4:05 a.m. - Wednesday, Jun. 22, 2005


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