hildeguardog's Diaryland Diary


This Distance is Terrible - or - Things To Do In Denver When You Are Dead

I don't know where my head is. Well, maybe I do. Let's find out.
So there's Erica, who's tall and skinny and likes Janis Joplin and Billie Holiday and Ingmar Bergman's movies and has very similar coffee and cigarette habits as I do. She reads, at least casually, and often goes for longer runs than I've ever been comfortable doing. She lives about 5 miles from me and we see each other a few times a week.
And then there's Erika. I met Erika two days before I left Chicago and quickly fell into some whirlwind of infatuation. She's into the Lawrence Arma and Alkaline Trio and Against Me! and the White Stripes-- it's always tough to find someone who likes Chicago punk rock and the White Stripes. I don't know. Doesn't come around often. Anyways, her cigarette and beer tendencies mirror my own. The day I had to leave Chicago she quit her job to stay in bed with me for an extra two hours. She lives 1,000 miles away.
Erica is insecure, like me, but she doesn't disguise it very well. I used to be into that self-pity shit but, well, the past few years has shed some good light on confidence.
Erika has been drinking a lot, which is how I met her. Though she says she fucked up, she made some passes at Kevin and I don't think I want to be anywhere near a woman who is capable of that. Let me clarify so I don't look back and think I was trying to slight Kevin: I'm a very single-minded person. When I have my eyes on a girl, I don't have peripheral vision. When I'm nose over tail for a lady, I'm physically incapable of sleeping with another (well, unless it's an ex-girlfriend whom I'm already comfortable with, but I stopped recycling a while ago).
I've yet to drink any coffee today and my mind isn't thinking quite linearly, so I'll get to the point:
I have a dilemma: for the past week or so, I've been making out with Erica and I spent the night a couple times. I let my guard down when I gave Kevin my blessing to accept Erika's advances and they fooled around. It was a test, I guess, but I didn't feel bad because Kevin would have fun and I'd learn something about Erika. This was all good and well, but I guess the whole situation really bummed Erika out. She didn't want me to know, which is mildly enraging, and now that I do she's, well, embarrassed, I think. She sent me an apology this morning. I think what she's most worried about is the possibility that I won't hang out with her and Dez when they come out here in October. That idea didn't even cross my mind-- that would be an unbelievably shitty thing to do.
I have three weeks before they come out here, so I guess I'll see how this all pans out without putting any particular effort into any cause.

12:31 p.m. - Wednesday, Sept. 14, 2011


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