hildeguardog's Diaryland Diary


Apathy & Exhaustion

I dropped my Creative Writing class.
Man, that felt good. I didn't actually drop it, though, I just wanted to see how I'd react when I saw the idea in writing.
Since beginning this class, I've had no motivation to write. Why would I? My main goal is to write poetry, but that's in conflict with my conscience that finds poetry ridiculous. I went with the flow for a while, writing cinquains and haikus, but I completely shut off when the free verse poem was assigned. How can a free verse poem have restrictions? Not that I had any intention of writing about love or rape, but I also had no intention of consciously incorporating concrete detail. If it sneaked in, fine.
Anyways, I'm at work right now, drinking coffee. I'm around three or four cups a day lately, probably in compensation for the lack of nicotine. I don't know exactly how these drugs work but I wouldn't be surprised. This just makes me wonder how much damage I was doing when I'd average one or two 16 ounce energy drinks a day, along with at least half a pack of cigarettes. I probably risked turning into that guy that walks around Lincoln Park smoking the butts he finds on the ground. He's famous enough to be mentioned on a random website (mine), so maybe it'd be a good compromise.

Well, I'm bored. According to the time designated to this entry, it is 4:38. According to the current time in the corner of my computer screen, it is 7:12.
I'm at work and haven't had many customers so far this evening. Lucy's supposed to drop by, I think, but she may have changed her mind to go drinking. Now it's 7:13. I don't feel like reading a book, there isn't much work to be done for another hour or so, and I don't even feel like writing. I waited for Angela to say something to me on AIM but that never came. I'm not terribly disappointed. She's probably someone I shouldn't talk to, seeing as I have a girlfriend and she probably hasn't changed her mind about me. Until she brings it up, though, I'll keep acting as a casual, on-line friend. Her "presence" in my life makes me question where the line is drawn between "in love" and "crazy." She and Lucy have acted similar when we've been broken up. It is generally assumed that Angela is crazy, though, and that Lucy is persistent. I don't know.
The lyric you tell me that my problem is thinking, but i can chase it away with a problem like drinking bothers me, especially when it reminds me of 1984. Winston was the main dude, and his thinking wasn't going to do him any good, so he eventually (forced, I should mention) gave it up and became another citizen. Sanity is a full time job doesn't fit into conforming, though, assuming that bowing to excessive drinking is conforming. I'm not sure it is, but I can never be sure-- it's a freedom, like smoking cigarettes or having a kid, that has constrictions.

4:38 p.m. - Wednesday, Oct. 20, 2010


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