hildeguardog's Diaryland Diary


We all wear masks, Wendy, metaphorically speaking.

It would be unfair of me to proclaim myself as entirely honest. But who cares? I feel I'm honest enough with myself, but that can be relative. What I perceived to be the truth in an argument I had a year ago may be different from my present perspective. My truths change, as do the seasons, and I can merely sit by an open window and act on what I see.
Like John Dillinger, coffee keeps me up at night. Nothing more, and certainly nothing less. It's hard to worry about the way another may perceive me when all I have to work with is what I know and what I can see. Like offending people, which also doesn't bother me much anymore. If I'm living my life according to what I believe to be the truth and I don't say things for the sake of being offensive, then why should I feel bad?
I'll tell you why. People get offended when things are presented to them in a way contrary to their established view. If a girl were to ask me how she looked-- be it my sister, my mother, my girlfriend, or a random girl at a bar-- and I told her the truth ("terrible." "ugly." "hot."), it can be taken as offensive. Of course, a word like "hot" may connote sexual attraction as a word like "ugly" may imply repulsion. So a careful choice of words may behoove me as far as my clarity-seeking ways go.
I'm getting off-topic. I think. I'm a little scatter-brained and, knowing this, I'm aware of my potential to write something that may not be coherent or fluid and, inconsequently, may not grab the attention of a single reader (though various other reasons do exist).
Though I provided absolutely no segue (other than in a vary vague sense), I will jump right in to a relatively small hole filled with my reaction to a response by a certain acquaintance's girlfriend. Here's the setting: a bar in the suburbs, filled (but not packed) with people, beer, generic music, and television broadcasts. The characters of importance are Mike, his girlfriend, and a few members of the Blackhawks Ice Crew (scantily clad, good from afar but far from good, "cheerleaders," essentially (though more in support of their portrayed sexual promiscuity than for the hockey team they represent)).
As the Ice Crew is spotted by Mike and his girlfriend, a quick but familiar tension arises. It is unspoken but very much felt, and acknowledged when Mike's girlfriend absolves him by responding, though my recount is not verbatim as I was not even in attendance, "It's okay, hunny, you can look." Which, in turn, causes Mike to think, "Well, I was going to anyways," while keeping his mouth shut.
This situation is fairly common, I'm sure. My girlfriend doesn't tell me it's okay to look, and when I do take a gander it's always a furtive one. Which is why our relationship may or may not (most likely the latter option) last a very long time. Mike's girlfriend gave complete recognition of the situation and granted her approval. Mike didn't need her approval but I'm sure it was nice to have.
So where am I going with all this? If I knew, I'd take the two of us there. Or, at least, steer us in the right direction.
Oh, maybe it was that Mike could voiced his response. He would have been castigated, one can assume, by his girlfriend and her friends (who would have heard her recapitulation), but lauded by people like me (assuming there is, at least, one). And I think he should have, though not for the sake of controversy. And I'm guessing he kept that thought to himself to avoid such controversy. I used to do the same thing. Y'know, avoid speaking my mind because it will be understood as offensive, which will spark an argument either immediately or later on (once she's allowed her anger to really sink it's teeth into this misunderstanding). From the argument, I will be required (as Mike would) to explain my reasoning that led to my statement. My explanation could be argued two ways (well, I'll present the two ways I always get after I've narrowed everything down): The pusillanimous route has me apologizing for such a lewd slip of the tongue and, thus, essentially delaying the biting of my tongue and swallowing my pride (which is not something to be proud of when you know you're right and continue on from that premise... and when by right we're speaking of the aforementioned truth and it's relativity). The other map leads us down the virtuous (as defined by my book, which I have not yet written... and doubtfully ever will) road, which makes it necessary to stick to one's guns and only admit defeat when your logic truly has been toppled. In this case, as in any other, it can not be virtuous to make a concession for something you do not deem worthy of compromise. (If we were to speak of what's for dinner, and I wanted steak and you wanted ham, then a concession could be made. It might be a different argument, though, to argue steak versus tofu.)
The second way of dealing with what Mike could have said aloud is often passed over for the first. The reason why is simple: it takes energy to argue seemingly trivial things, and maybe the next trivial thing will seem to have more importance, so why not drop this one? Also, it can be difficult to voice you're actual feelings to someone who may get offended.
And that's why you should take Kevin Matsuo's beaten path: Say all the controversial, selfish, inappropriate things you mean when you first meet that girlfriend. Why wait? It'd have the same significance as lying to start speaking your uncensored mind a year or two into a relationship.
I don't mean to become a relationship counselor by writing all this. In fact, I see this as practical in any relationship with a fellow human being. If you have a friend you can't criticize, you probably don't have a very good friend. If you constantly make concessions for someone, you probably don't care to be very close with them.
I don't know Mike's actual reasoning. I didn't bother to ask. I figured I'd make up my own version of that scenario because parts of it reflect bits of my current life, which is something I've been working on for quite a few years now.
That's all.

2:29 p.m. - Friday, Apr. 16, 2010


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