hildeguardog's Diaryland Diary

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I massacred the afternoon.

I don't get much thinking done these days. Another roommate and I have less privacy. Perhaps I always feel shitty this time of year. I'm failing school and I keep getting sick. I feel like I'm about to make a mess of devastating... I keep forgetting words I need to finish thoughts. I feel agitated and easily irritable. I don't know how much longer I want to live here, and I don't want to live with my mother or with my father. I want to learn but I don't want to go to school. I want to be happy but I'm not sure how. I try to do little things to get myself going in the right direction... I quit smoking and drinking and getting high isn't on a regular basis... but then I lose focus and I lose motivation and I wonder why I shouldn't be at the bottom of my barrel. I wonder why I shouldn't be swimming in addiction and then I remember... but she can't be a cure-all. That'd be unfair and unrealistic and I don't want to turn into one of my ex-girlfriends.
I think about leaving Chicago every now and then. No, I don't. I just made that up. I'm thinking about it now, though. I feel so shallow here. I feel like I'm surrounded by things I already know and now I feel like I'm freaking out. Why should I? The Beatles were pretty brilliant and capturing the moods and feelings they tried to. Their song 'Yesterday' is too similar to my current disposition. I feel like maybe I'm depressed, maybe just seasonally, but I don't dare tell anybody. I never want to be on a medication that isn't recreational. I'm more conscious of my health and I stop at weed and I'm not blindly jumping into relationships and this and that but I don't feel like I'm any better or any healthier... I'm not feeling to positive effects of "positive" choices. My conscious is a little cleaner without feeding that addiction, but not my shoulders ache and I don't dare ask anyone to relieve me. I've been abstinent for a good amount on time, now, and I'm afraid I'll be worthless if I ever break back into the "game". So I wait and wait while I get rustier and rustier, and then I'll probably pass or miss my chance when it comes around.

7:15 p.m. - Sunday, Nov. 18, 2007

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