hildeguardog's Diaryland Diary


Relapse Therapy.

There aren't many people who read this. If there are any, I almost wish they'd let me know... I wouldn't mind knowing my audience.
Anyways, I'm writing here because there's stuff I'm only comfortable telling people that bother to come all the way over here.
I'm afraid I'm growing distant from many people. I now associate very bad things with the people I used to hang out with on a daily basis. I'm living in Chicago where the bad side of depravity is the most prevalent aspect. On a college campus, smoking cigarettes and drinking regularly are synonymous with "having many cool points". Here in Chicago, it seems that cigarettes are a sign of weakness and giving in as opposed to freedom and rebellion.
I smoked a cigarette on Friday night. I was with the people I was with over the summer of junior year. These are the people I started smoking or smoked first cigarettes with.
Champaign, on a good weekend, encourages me to be myself(even if it means being very awkward). On a bad weekend, it encourages relapse and shame.
Maybe I'm too young to be making a big deal of what I do and did. Maybe addiction isn't worth the amount of thought I give it.
There are very few people who I feel a positive connection to. I live with one of them, I have a huge third grade crush on another one, and I taught the third person how to smoke cigarettes. I quit smoking because I associate "being myself" with being 14 and not smoking cigarettes, and because I don't want to feel bad about myself in front of the one girl who makes me feel very good about myself.
My excuse for Friday night? Oh, I was very drunk... not the best excuse considering I've been working at keeping my act together. Sure, school hasn't fallen into place, but I'm not drinking three cans of Pepsi a day(today is an exception). I haven't been smoking weed much lately(this weekend is an exception), my last cigarette was in August(Friday is an exception)... well, I didn't get with any random, crusty girls, but that's never been much of a worry of mine.
I'm afraid right now. I was in such a good spot for a good amount of time and I don't want to fall back to where I was when I decided I needed to lend myself a hand. I don't want to be tied down to cigarettes, and I want to be a good musician in a respectable band, and I want to be myself... as lame as it sounds, I can't supply the motivation to be myself by myself... Maybe I'd be self-sufficient if I completely broke free from the people I deem corrupt and had some time around people I find interesting and who make life worth living.
I can't start smoking again... not until I give up. When I decide that the best for me isn't coming to me, that's when I'll carry my cigarettes in my sleeve. When I don't want to live to see my kids, when I don't care about how my girlfriend or wife consider my odor.
I feel that I'm learning a lesson most people learn when they're younger. I grew up around my father, an avid smoker. Most people in similar circumstances noticed that they didn't want to be like their parents before they became addicted to smoking.
I'll check in in a month, maybe. I'll be smoking by then if I'm smoking again any time soon.
I can't wait forever... but I'll try.

2:17 a.m. - Monday, Nov. 12, 2007


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