hildeguardog's Diaryland Diary



I hung out with Many and Vivian last night. We talked late into the night, and at some point I brought up how much of a scumbag I was to my parents while I was growing up. I mentioned lying about my leg being broken, and about money I "found" in the bushes, and in my teenage years how I'd do things mainly to piss them off. For example, I didn't believe in God, and for some reason I found it necessary to rub it in.
I was just lying down, trying to nap, and thoughts kept running across my mind. It really upsets me that my Dad didn't go to church with the family when I was younger. The family would wake up, get dressed, and pile in the car-- meanwhile my old man sat by the window listening to the radio over a fresh cup of coffee and a cigarette. That's bullshit. If I'm a father and my wife insists on church, then shit, it's my job to go with.
Other things have been on my mind. It upsets me how people go and fuck each other and have kids without much of a plan. It kind of shits all over my idea of having a child as being the highest expression of love of contentedness. This is similar to how it upsets me when people don't drink or smoke for no real reason. That may sound ignorant but it really means a lot to me to be able to turn down a beer or a cigarette or a hit or a pill or a line. It's strange and probably unfair how, to myself, I tend to regard smokers and drinkers as the bottom of everything. My neighborhood seems like a cesspool: on weekends, people piss where they please; they get too drunk to walk straight; they're loud at all times of the night-- this is considered a nice neighborhood and these people are considered respectable on the coming Monday morning. I don't get it.
I've been thinking a lot about my past girlfriends and how a big part of things not working out being related to the fact that most of my relationships started on bad grounds. I remember a conversation I had with my sister a few years ago in which she praised my cousin Matt for being in a good relationship that was in no way impacted by drugs or alcohol. Lots of my relationships came to be on a drunken Friday or Saturday night. The last girl I almost went out with cheated on her boyfriend with me while we were drunk. I soon started ignoring her because I couldn't bear to start a relationship on such premises. It's strange: lately, this girl's been on my mind. I dated her like a year ago, and the whole thing started on one of those drunken nights, but I can't help but think that I handled the situation poorly. I really liked her, I think. We got along well but for some reason I wouldn't get comfortable. A big thing I liked was that she liked me, but not to the point of complete submissiveness. Man, I can't stand that shit. "I'd do anything for you/to make you happy" is the most repelling thing that someone could say to me. Maybe that's just because I'm 19 and in no way am I close to settling down or anything of that nature. I think I would like a comfortable girlfriend to be with for a long while. I think I'd be good for her.
Today is work day number 12 in a row. What am I doing with my life?
Tonight or tomorrow I will move out of 905 Fullerton and into a shared studio. Things are changing.

3:59 p.m. - Saturday, Oct. 06, 2007


previous - next

latest entry

about me





random entry

other diaries: