hildeguardog's Diaryland Diary


There's much more that I didn't get around to saying.

Imagine yourself as a father in the wake of a messy divorce, sitting in your lonely apartment with your son keeping you company. Cigarette in hand, smoke in mouth, you hear him say "My father is my model for God." You sit back, exhale, and bask in the soon-to-be-awkward silence before breaking in, solemnly, with "I've lost the will to live."
"A turn for the worse" would be a bad way of describing what's been offered to me lately. Living life on a daily basis is a fine approach, but when it hasn't worked for the past couple of years, change is needed. I'm waiting until I grow the proper metaphorical male reproductive organs to pack my bags and say goodbye to this family, these friends, and this city. I've been thinking I might regret doing so, but then a couple pieces of monologue from my life as an aging adult came to mind:
"What's with the tattoos?"
"Why the long face?"
"Was smoking thousands and thousands of cigarettes worth the breathing troubles?"
I was considering an end to this entry as something along the lines of "This is my life..." but that reminds me too much of that Bon Jovi song from some football video game I used to play-- and I don't like Bon Jovi. I guess I can finish this off by saying something like... of course it's my life. That doesn't take away from the fact that I've faced many decisions, and that the worst is yet to come. I have to learn what I value and what I do not. Right now I feel that I value very little. I enjoy the satisfaction after writing something that I find to be lucid and flawless. I enjoy having lots of money, but only when I've earned it. I enjoy connecting with people, no matter how seldom this happens. I enjoy the feeling of trust, and being trusted. I find no value in pitying or being pitied. Same goes with humoring and being humored.
I'd be much happier and I'd write much less if I could find a purpose, or something to strive for. I'm not going to invent a God, though. I'll be much more content in unhappiness knowing that I'm not lying to myself.

2:40 p.m. - Wednesday, Mar. 07, 2007


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