hildeguardog's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I think, therefore I am.. upset.

I don't want any of this.
Is it right for me to have to come home and wonder if people won't like me anymore?
No, it isn't. It's my own doing, I know. I feel like such a chump even thinking about whether or not I care about people's opinions of me. And it's not even that I care as much as it is that I know the circumstances of relationships could potentially be changing so much without my control.
As I said, it has nothing to do with whether or not I care-- but the fact that it is, or could be, happening is rather unsettling. It's like a lot of commotion or negative energy-- whether or not(there I go with those three words again) or not I agree with it, it's still happening and still affecting me.
Me. That word tends to get to, well, me. It's the kind of word that carries such a hostile and selfish aura. It implies that the writer(in this case, me) is very egotistical and wants so badly to keep his image clean-- the perceptive image that others see(not to be confused with his self-image, which is therefore misconstrued by such self-conscious thoughts).
Well, to rephrase my initial thought: I want none of this. I want nothing to do with the temporary relationships that will frustrate me now before being forgotten to the point that I look back on them fondly.
I "piss people off", as the expression goes, and it's not necessary. It's my own doing, I admit it, and it's not healthy for either of us. And I associate all the negative influences and circumstances with 'us'.
I upset Kevin earlier this evening and I intend on fixing it to the best of my ability. I owe him a lot(not just talking about money) and I haven't forgotten that.
I upset the rhythm that he'd like to have going. He was bored already before he went out of his way, for me, to be in a worse circumstance of 'bored'.
That said, I seem to be upsetting Angela a whole lot nowadays. I upset her in the first place, but in a pseudo-positive way. Like a blessing in disguise, but with an awful disguise on top of that.
I know, as I've just said, that I have upset her. I have not confronted this, or her, because I know for a fact that we would not be in agreement with what I feel needs to be done. It's not that I need to be alone, it's that I'm not satiated with making out or sex or anything else my hormones tend to make me think I should want. But, I am also not satisfied with the feeling that I should ignore someone because of this. I am, on the other hand, satisfied with a friend. No matter who they are, friends are friends are friends. I'm not looking to put all my energy into one person or one relationship because I see the novelty(which isn't the word I'm searching for but I guess will suffice for now) of having many. I'm not looking for all of one person because there's a lot out there. I don't want to feel any more responsible for someone more than I would for a friend.
That whole responsibility thing kind of ties into why I find it so dumb to be upsetting people's comfortable lives the way that I do. Sure, I feel that people should leave their protective shells, so to speak-- that they should be tested(not like in a lab, which would be a dumb way of interpretting that); that they should challenge their own faith that they put in any given object or idea-- but I do not feel responsible for their doing so, nor do I see it as my place in their lives to make sure it happens.
Enough said-- I'm going to bed*.
I'm only adding this sentence because I didn't want to end an entry on such a lame stab at ending an entry with poetic ease.

*denotes a sentence that is poetically sound-- and stupid.

My thought process is ridiculous right now.

12:36 a.m. - Sunday, Oct. 02, 2005

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next