hildeguardog's Diaryland Diary


Expo '86

As lame as this sounds, I'm still gonna say it...
I have a new school year's resolution.
I'm going to cut down on the drama bullshit as much as I can. Xanga and I won't be seeing much of each other for a while. This means I won't be looking at much of what other people have to say for themselves. Besides, most people are back on the habit of writing about how their day went, going class by class until I get nauseaous.. or until they run out of classes to recapitulate.
This entry was provoked by the need for a means to an end. I'm sick and tired of the self-provoked drama I put myself through by "checking up on" people that couldn't be comfortable with me in their lives.
I need to stop kidding myself. I should know that it isn't right for people to wait on me. I shouldn't keep people on their toes just because I have trouble making up my mind on time. That, combined with the trouble I have to not go along with things, is an awful combination.
God damn the black night with all it's foul temptation
I've become what I always hated
When I was with you then

But I'm getting better.
See, Danny had Allie to help him. He explained to me how he thought he'd never get over this other girl.. but then it was like Allie made him get rid of those hopeless feelings, and he was cured(until now, but he's over every girl before her). I need that. I need a girl that can enable me to love again.
With Angela, my mindset was fucked up. I was overly hopeful when I shouldn't have been. But when we were actually going out, I was waiting for something to go wrong.. waiting for familiar resolve(in Ben Gibbard's words, again). The relationship was nice but it felt too familiar, like I had steered it backwards into late-September/early-October 2004.
Danny, being the brilliant kid that he is, patched up several of the holes in my conscience and in my mind. Through conversation, he showed me that love is real, I had it, I believe in it, and that I am currently not in it. We decided that Sam from Garden State embodies everything we find to be absolutely beautiful in girls.
All this talk of perfection got me to thinking, though. See, I lose that flame of interest in people when I feel that I've figured them out. That slutty sophomore at school? Typical. I talked to her for ten minutes almost one year ago and I can tell she hasn't changed much. I'd bet that she's still the same cocky, self-conscious, ignorant girl she was when I met her. That bores me.
Over the summer a girl didn't keep her mouth shut, as Ben Gibbard seems to regret in The Sound of Settling. I like that. A lot.

3:24 p.m. - Wednesday, Sept. 07, 2005


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