hildeguardog's Diaryland Diary


I feel like I am my only weakness... which isn't good.

Hot damn! I'm tired of being awake. Furthermore, I'm tired of unwillingly talking to people. I'm also tired of having my schedule consist of chores. Sure, being spontaneous is fun.. but it doesn't leave much to look forward to.
I am not tired of Batman: the animated series, Tombstone pizza, Snackers, willed alone time, Pepsi, and sleeping in.
I do not look forward to band practice.
I look forward to living on my own, whether or not that entails a roof over my head.
I realize to what extent my selfishness goes, and I plan on changing that over a period of time.
There is one girl that, over any other, I would love to have the pleasure of calling my own.. and I think she knows that. For her I would work at a relationship. But to avoid getting ahead of myself, a relationship is not what I need-- or even want-- right now. Chicago is not even what I want right now. If I could I would borrow somebody else's friends to help get me back on my feet. Someone with respectable friends that choose not to smoke and not to put up with bullshit. Unfortunately, most of my friends smoke.. and I haven't had a strong will for a very long time.
I want to join the cross country team to see if an end to smoking will help my almost entirely negative outlook on everything look up. I want to know if exercise will clear my mind and my head and if it is possible for me to be more tolerant of other people.
I love people. I love how their actions cause reactions and I love the way I know so little about the people I know. What I don't love at all is the way I take things personally, like people are out to get me.
When I go out I will go out the way Bruce Wayne and Batman did in the end of The Fall of the Dark Knight. I will not leave much evidence that I ever did occupy that somewhat comfortable room, three stories above the 900 block of west Fullerton Parkway.

2:18 a.m. - Saturday, Aug. 06, 2005


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