hildeguardog's Diaryland Diary


I'm not clever enough to name all my entries.

This is getting unbearable. I've felt like this several times before and every time since the first has felt just as new.
So I'll graduate high school in December of 2006, if I'm lucky.. but I'm not lucky and I never try very hard or approach anything seriously enough.
So my parents know I dropped out of summer school because it got too overwhelming, as do a lot of things for me. I'll be taking seven classes next year, and maybe night school, too. Online classes are also a possibility. Fucking bullshit.
Right now I don't feel up for anything. I don't feel up for smoking a cigarette and I don't feel like quitting. I don't feel like drinking and I don't feel like staying sober of conscious very much longer. I don't want a girlfriend or comfort or sex or anything.. but I also don't want to be alone.. but I do want to be alone, and I was anxious for everyone to leave my house earlier today so I could get some sleep.. even after getting something like ten or eleven hours in last night.
I've got ex-girlfriends befriending ex-girlfriends left and right, but not really. I've got certain members of my band setting up shows that I don't want to be at. I've got a girl I've never dated probably anticipating a relationship, which I'm in no shape to give her.
I turned down two girls two nights ago. Well, kind of. Kevin's friend Danny was way too drunk and these girls were friends of Carol, Danny's girlfriend. So she introduced me to them like 4 times, it was ridiculous. Then I was out for a smoke with Justina, and Carol came out. She asked which one I thought was hotter and I was like 'uh..' and just kinda trailed off. Then she asked what I'd do if one of them made a move on me, and I explained that I might need to go to suddenly go to the bathroom. Oh, and Eileen was out there, too. She said the one girl resembled a horse, which I couldn't help but agree with. So I was like 'Eileen, go ask her what's wrong.. "Why the long face?"'.. the other girl wasn't bad-looking at all, and I don't know why I wasn't interested. I also don't know why I keep wondering about this. It's not even that I regret keeping to myself, it's that I don't understand why I'd act like that while being high. I guess being "under the influence" really doesn't change that much about me. I guess I learned something.
I am not doing well right now. Beer me.

7:26 p.m. - Thursday, Jul. 28, 2005


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