hildeguardog's Diaryland Diary

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I'm sorry I hit myself with my Apathy-Mobile.

9 hours a day of hot class rooms and $1 cans of Pepsi.
I want to be done with high school so badly so I can just join the fucking Air Force, become a cop, then live out my life as the asshole I was destined to be come-- this time with a uniform.
I have saved this album for this huge mood I've been in lately. The album is called Maybe I'll Catch Fire, and the mood is called Apathy and Exhaustion.
I was this close to getting high today. It would've been the first time since that whole every-day-for-a-month thing Kevin and I did by accident. The grass was free, as it usually is, but I didn't see that as any kind of a cure.
I'm not that bad off, and that's exactly the problem. I'm not worried over whether or not I impregnated some Czech girl, I'm not scared that I may OD again-- no real problems apply to me. Mine are all just things to complain about. I put myself in summer school. I can end it when I want. I can drop out of high school and get a GED and join some kind of armed forces and turn my life around-- only to see it go right back down the train because of what Mike tells me(he says that it doesn't matter whether or not I drink at all right now-- the Air Force will convert me to Alcoholism).
I'm too bored to do any new drugs, as well as too poor. Coke was probably the worst, but it was also my least favorite.
Holy hell, I just want out of this house. I've lived here all of my conscious life and it's getting to me. I feel I've grasped the concept that Earth is just a place we live in, the same as I live in the United States and in Illinois and in Chicago and in this house and in my room on the third floor. I feel free to go and stick around where I want, but then at the same time, I don't. I'm nervous just walking down the street because I don't have any real identification on me, and I'm allowed to be arrested as punishment.
And another thing: I've decided that the only thing keeping me in this house is my shower-- and this shower fucking sucks. But what I really mean is that the lack of dignity I carry with me is mainly embodied in my cleanliness-- and I'm not even entirely satisfied with it. But that's the thing: if I want to be liberated or whatever then I have to learn to let go of what I think I need.
This isn't completely off topic, but that's okay because I've lost my train of thought several times so far..
Anyhow, sometimes I think of the people I can see myself ending up in marriage with. But then I wonder if anybody sees me that way? I mean I don't feel tied to anybody, which I kind of like. I kind of like it a lot, actually. I don't want to feel like I have to marry somebody. Or that marriage is even in my future. But I just get to thinking ahead like that.
What I'm trying to say is that I'm not sure which would freak me out more: if I knew people think of me that way, or if I knew that nobody does.
Sometimes I regret losing my virginity. I don't regret either one, it's just the idea. I got ahead of myself, and so did they.
I was thinking about how I've never felt old enough to think about college. I remember the time in 2nd grade when Steven Owens told me he wanted to go to Duke, then when he asked me where I wanted to go I said something like 'I'm not even in high school yet.' Now that I'm in high school, I don't feel I'll sufficiently make it through.
And what the fuck is the big deal with money? Yes, it's a means to an end, I get it. I guess I'd fully understand if I wanted some kind of tangible power. There's nothing I want to buy though, there's no office I want to hold-- there's just nothing. I don't see myself as worthless, but I don't see anybody else having much worth either.
I think I need to make some big changes again.
I think I'm due for a panic attack.

9:56 p.m. - Tuesday, Jun. 28, 2005

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