hildeguardog's Diaryland Diary


Everyone wins.

Dear Mindy,
I made this letter an open one so you wouldn't have to reply, and so I could willingly be unsure that you ever got it.
So where was I?
Henry says you're overreacting. As bad as you may see this situation, we can both away with peace of mind in knowing that we were both right:
I could say "I told you so," or "I called it," for:
-knowing you'd come to hate me..
-knowing you'd overflow with regret..
-wishing we'd never met..
-getting to the point that you'd-- atleast through away messages and AIM profiles-- find comfort in going back to your "old ways." Like the Wizard of Oz: in the end, everyone wants to be how they were before the roots of such drama were just forming...
But you were right, too. Remember, a few lines ago, when I said we were both right about something? Well here you go: you said I wouldn't care. As much as I've tried this evening, I just can't bring myself to tears over something I've already envisioned. Those "fuck you"s, "I fuckin hate you"s and "I wish I never met you"s just aren't cutting it right now. I've found a cure for my emotional pain-- an outlet, of sorts.. you were it for a while, but I've moved on-- so any pain you want to cause me will have to be purely physical. How about injecting me with heroin, then realizing it'd take multiple injections to get me hooked? Better yet: how about I hurt myself for you? Y'know, the ol' take-every-pill-you-can-find? Or why don't I take up my own offer? You remember.. something to do with being underground, waiting for transportation. But see, this would only hurt you. Say I butted heads with the train down at Kedzie on the brown line.. how would you feel about that?
Remember when we broke up in October? I do. I waited three long months before having a girlfriend again. You may remember, considering you were that girl and you asked me out. Remember when you used to yell at me for drinking every day? How's it working out for you? What about smoking, have you taken that up yet?
Was three months not quite enough? That's probably it. October, November and December were very long months for me, but you do learn from repetition. My mom has been telling me, for years, to stop dwelling on things(i.e. the past). I spent the heart of winter analyzing, re-analyzing, then over-analyzing the decision I had made in autumn. But I told you, and whoever else kept up with those online diaries of mine, that I was regretting everything I did for a time. I regretted getting back together, but I knew I'd regret it if I quit too soon.
You make it seem like this is the hardest thing in the world for you. Remember when you said you wouldn't cry? I was right there, just not openly. You should know that I'm selfish when it comes to those kinds of assumptions.
So here's what you may want, even though you'll reject it on first impulse: an apology...
Ah, where to start...
I'm sorry for:
-[objectively] changing you..
-finding happiness in making you happy(which lasted a while, but finally burnt out)..
-putting up with certain things that I will, to this day, not admit to having difficulty with..
You know what? Three examples will work because of the undertone of "three" that's present in this letter. Besides, if I came up with anything else, you'd wish even harder that we'd never met.
One last thing: quote Brand New, and any other lyrics you want, but just stay away from don't apologize, i hope you choke and die because it's predictable.
Love, Scott Mead Brehman

11:26 p.m. - Thursday, Mar. 17, 2005


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