hildeguardog's Diaryland Diary


atleast i'd like to be ... kind of shy

I don't really know where to start.. well here:
I can't say I'm tired of drinking, or getting messed up, or whatever it is that you want to call it. I am, on the other hand, tired of its' affects. Physically, I don't feel a big difference, but that may be because that kind of strength declines more gradually. I'm almost sick to my stomach with my latest realization, that's a bit more personal that my others...
I have been bad in school for as long as I can remember. Now I need to get over that. That said, I have bigger issues at hand. I have never been this good at accidentally denying friends. I can almost directly contribute that to my declining morals and disregard for my health.
If you've talked to me online recently-- and have gotten anywhere near a conversation with depth-- then I'm sure you've noticed that such conversations tend to end abruptly. (this happens most often with Vi, and I regret it every time.) For self-assurance, I've been blaming it on my computer, and the way the AIM screens don't always flash when someone's said something new. That is complete bullshit in the sense that I can't use that excuse anymore. I'm tired of it.
I talked to Alex for the first time in a very long time earlier tonight. She said we stopped talking because, at some point, it seemed like I didn't have time for her anymore. I didn't think that as a possibility, but now I completely understand where she's coming from. I've never been that good at communicating until the depth of a conversation hits a certain point, I guess. From there, I can be completely honest, perceptive, and even insightful. And that's what I'm talking about.
I've talked about declining morals for a while now, to the point that it's absurd.
At first, "disregard for my health" stemmed from the ideas behind the 'nothing-to-lose'-philosophy. Nothing to lose? Yeah, sure, that was in regards to school and the lack of an appetizing future that I saw, and still see.
Through it all, though, I've had some damn good friends to stick right by me. Most-notably, Vi and Sarah got me through 7th and 8th grade, Aaron, Danny, and "the band" got me through freshman year, and the transition between grade- and high school. Last year was a but shaky, but John and Rob helped me out until Mindy got me through the end. Through it all, though, I've had people like Zach and Micah. Zach, it seems, has had a no-questions-asked type relationship with me. He's been the most understanding friend, I'd say, as far as dealing with me and my inconsistency inside of friendships.
But then, in March of '04, I started hanging out with people like Dave, Mike, and Chris, who incorporated [rock n' roll(drugs, alcohol, sex)] more wholly into their lives. We didn't hang out a whole lot in the beginning, but then this school year came. Hanging out with school friends away from school meant getting drunk or high. Sooner, rather than later, I abandoned the friends of mine that were more of a positive influence just so I could "forget" about the past week of school, and any drama that had occurred. I drank every day for two of the three months that Mindy and I weren't together(between 10/6/04 and 1/9/05, drinking from 11/24/04 to sometime in January, when I got bored with it).
Danny and I were walking down Belden sometime in November or early December. I told him I was just smoking and drinking to pass the time that winter brings me, which has been notorious for being boring, apathetic and depressing. My "resolution" will, if all goes as I'm planning right now, go in effect on March 21st, which, if I'm not mistaken, is the first day of spring. To be more precise, I plan on slowing down until then to prevent a drastic or overwhelming change. If I go to the Southside Irish Parade with Dave and those other Southwest-siders, then that will be my last time drinking. I understand the foolishness of setting a date to stop, because I've done that before.. I'll just try to be more devoted this time.
Alright, so I've probably made my goal a bit vague. Really, I'm trying to prove to myself that I'm not dependent on mind-, or in my case personality-, -altering.. things. I was a better person before. I wasn't much happier, but I wasn't any worse of at all.
And a part of me misses being more morally sound and "innocent."
And what the hell? I'll be 17 in a few weeks-- I should start being more satisfied with myself.

1:38 a.m. - Saturday, Feb. 26, 2005


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