hildeguardog's Diaryland Diary

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I am craving the humiliation only alcohol can bring to me.

Ah... I wonder what my password is now. Should be interesting.
So today Grace and I went to Millenium Park after I suggested we talk after she got my latest email in reply to her own unsettling one, to some extent. We didn't get much talking and not until after she left did I decide that some diaries need to eat shit.
This weekend I have plans. Err-- this weekend I want to have plans. I want to see a movie with with Chris and Grace and Sagan. I want to see Explosions in the Sky with Joann, because they rock and she was the first to suggest I give them a chance(and if not Joann then maybe I'll ask Guillermo if he's still going). I want to ask Vi if she wants to do something, like maybe go to Clarke's, or somewhere more original, because I haven't seen her in quite some time. This weekend, probably over anything else, I want to rock the fuck out of wherever I am with Zach Perry. We're due to, man. We're due.
Today after work I talked to a guy at work but I can not remember his name, and I wouldn't be able to if my life depended on it. He's friends with Rob and they're both friends with Jordan, who was the bassist for The Ghost but now plays for Whale Horse, who just played with Colossal at the Empty Bottle, which entertained Brendan Kelly and Daniel Andriano. I missed out, hardcore.
I haven't finished my book, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, quite yet and I don't know if I want to. It reminds me a lot of me, and how I will probably end up once I can let go and have a good cry without stopping because of thoughts that, sooner or later, end up making me feel worse than I did in the first place.
I think I might have my first crush since I called it off with Mindy. This is just a crush and will probably stay a crush until it dies off because I do not have the social skills it takes to talk to people. She is a nice girl and she means only the best, but I guess not everything can work out for some people. She is also the kind of person that seems like she has friends as "good" as me as her friends she considers just decent. That's impressive.
(i won't name what won't ever happen)
I think that this Friday, if I don't get into anything more worthwhile, I should get trashed. I need it and I deserve it. I need the humiliation that comes with spending the night over a toilet puking up whatever I will have found to drink earlier in the night.
Before I go read-- yes, read-- I just want to remind myself of something, in case I ever read this again: right now, if I asked Mindy to take me back, it would just be because of how much I miss having a warm body next to mine. Picture Mindy as a jacket, but not in a bad way. Or a hoodie, even. So the hoodie keeps me nice and warm and comfortable through the end of spring and all the way through summer. Disregard autumn, but then winter comes, and I'm standing outside in the warmth of my hoodie. All of a sudden, I take off my hoodie and I'm completely naked. Get it? It is so much colder being alone.

11:38 p.m. - Wednesday, Oct. 13, 2004

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